A Necessary Discomfort

It's been one week. One week ago, I spent the entire day in a state of horror, pasting on a smile when I had to interact with kids and their parents, dissolving in tears in the bathroom (where I encountered other teachers doing the same) or in my car. Since then, I've been despondent, and I've been angry, and I've tried to take care of myself and my family and ground myself in the beautiful present. And then I wake up and say, "Nope, I'm still angry." Last night I could not fall asleep, which is becoming my new normal, unless I take Tylenol PM. I swung between fury and terror. I've had horrible dreams about keeping my children safe. And my children will be among the "safe"; they are white, raised by two white, straight, "Christian" parents. (Is it any wonder that I put "Christian" in quotes? I'm really struggling with that one.) No one has threatened to come after them, although I absolutely worry about raising a daughter in a world in which our Commander-in-Chief objectifies women ("Not a 10!") and normalizes tearing them down and assaulting them. Again, this isn't new, and women know this, but when a man can scream about a woman's pussy as she's out for a jog or taking her kids through a drive-thru and happens to have an "I'm With Her" bumper sticker on her car, he's not just being vulgar; he's quoting our elected leader.

We're not worried about our family being torn apart or sent away, but so many people have real, legitimate fears about keeping their own children safe. So many children are facing cruelty and bullying, and yes, yes, that has always been true, but now it is normalized by the highest elected office. That is the difference. Do not dare dismiss these fears and this outrage. And do not speak to me about how people weren't protesting like this when Obama was elected, as if those who didn't vote for him somehow displayed more decorum. Most of the things people were afraid of a.) didn't happen and b.) weren't things he ever said he'd do anyway. (My favorite, favorite Facebook post from the fall of 2008, which I noted for all of posterity because this is just amazing, y'all: "Enjoy hunting season, guys. It's likely going to be the last one before Obama comes for our guns." Incidentally, I believe that was from the same person who called me a "libtard." Anyway, I blocked him years ago, because there is just no point in trying to engage in conversation with some people. I can only imagine what his Facebook looks like now. And I'd put money on him having more guns now than he did in 2008.) Right now, I am afraid of the things our president-elect has actually said he would do. And it looks like he's lining up the right people for it.

And I'm embarrassed for feeling shocked. I shouldn't be. This is the reality that human beings in our country face every single day, and they're not shocked, because it is reality. I am a privileged white woman in a blue state. My Facebook feed is full of like-minded folks; I have never been in the practice of unfriending or blocking those who disagree with me, but when people make me clutch my head and roll my eyes too much, I do unfollow them, because I need my eyes for reading stacks of student papers. So my "reality" was a privileged one. I really believed we were better than this.

So I've been reading things that make me uncomfortable and yes, sometimes defensive (because I have good intentions and a good heart, right?), because we don't have time for White Fragility.

I've been following Marlon James on Facebook since reading A Brief History of Seven Killings in June, which is a work of brilliance and literary genius. His Facebook does not tell me everything will be all right and I'm precious for fighting for the light and we need to stay positive. He says things like this:

Also this. Honestly, I couldn’t give two shakes of a rat’s ass about empathizing with the struggle of the white working class. This privileging of white mainstream pain over everybody else’s, is tired bullshit (and not new either), the implication being that only white America has a working class, or more accurately, only white people work. This is nothing new— after all it’s where the attack on welfare and the bootstrapping of black folk come from. Everybody else’s struggle is their fault but for the white working class, shit is rigged. What about the black working class? Remember how entire communities were decimated by the 2008 mortgage crisis? How about the Latino/Hispanic working class that's supposedly stealing that sugar cane plantation job, but not working, at the same time? And while you think every Asian has three degrees and a silicon valley job, maybe next time take a look at who’s cleaning up your hotel room. Now if you’re saying we’re not pandering to the white working class vote, then you have a point. But call it what it is.

This is the kind of thing I need to read, and it is up to me to seek it out if I really want to be better and do better. And I do.

So I'm a work in progress. I guess I start with my own students. I posted this tonight:

Stories are how we SEE each other; if we don't value stories, we do not value our humanity. At the heart of everything we teach, we need to show kids that their lives matter. Many of my students receive the message, loud and clear, that their lives don't matter and their voices won't be heard. This week, they've articulated that. And this week, they're going to work on telling their own stories. It's scary for a lot of them, and it's hard work, but I believe it's important work that we're doing together -- speaking our truth, and learning to see each other. And to see the "other." Writing IS an act of social justice.

So here's to listening, and learning, and outrage. I will not normalize racism, sexism, misogyny, and xenophobia, and I will not stay quiet in the name of "unity." It's not enough, but it's a place to start.