These days

Three is a difficult age. Ask my son; he’s deep in its clutches right now -- feeling all the feelings without having developed coping mechanisms to deal with them yet. Mostly, I can weather the stubbornness and the tantrums and the unreasonableness with good humor. For one thing, last time I had a three-year-old child I also had a newborn and I was developing coping mechanisms right along with her; this time, I have the remarkable advantage of not being postpartum and hormonal. For another thing, while three-year-olds are often quite insufferable, they are also prone to moments of unbearable sweetness and hilarity, often several times a day, and those are the moments I fall back on when I am tempted to call my current three-year-old a Little Shit in front of his gymnastics teacher.

He’s a contrary little guy these days, though. No matter what we’re doing or where we’re going, he voices strong opinions against it. “I don’t wanna go there.” “I don’t wanna do that.” “I don’t wanna go potty.” “I don’t wanna eat lunch. I not gonna eat.” “I don’t wanna swim.” “I don’t wanna go to my ‘nastics class.” When he’s feeling particularly grumpy, he might just resort to “I don’t wanna go somewhere.” Once, I don’t remember what Suzannah said exactly but it was something along the lines of, “Isaac, do you wanna be_________?” and he just furrowed his little eyebrows into a point and said, “No. I don’t wanna be.” That’s some heavy stuff for a preschooler.

And it’s trying for his mama, but I also know how I feel sometimes when everything is terrible or I’m tired, and I’ve got a few decades on him -- so I feel a little protective of his toddler angst when I perceive that certain attitude from people who are not parents of three-year-olds, people who have surely forgotten how hard it is to have so little real control over anything, really. Add to that the lack of perspective that grown-ups have when they are stuck in a car, or when they are hungry or exhausted; a little one doesn’t completely understand the concept of time well enough to get that this too shall pass. (Can you tell we just weathered a very fun but occasionally trying road trip? Hours upon hours in the car, irregular sleeping schedules, overstimulation, and a general absence of predictable routine took its toll upon my little guy. But he is also resilient, and this week he has expressed quite loudly that instead of coming back to our house to take a nap he wants to go back to Grandma and Grandpa’s house.)

Our summer days now have a rhythm to them -- something I need, although I also love the slowness induced by sunshine and heat. For me to be my best self I need to write and read and exercise at least a little bit every day. Both kids are taking swimming lessons right now, every morning. Suzannah is ready to get serious about them, which is beautiful to watch. She gets this fantastic expression of total, fierce concentration on her face when she’s ready to go for something, whether it’s tackling a cartwheel in her gymnastics class or taking a few strokes through the water all on her own. Isaac just loves to play, but he’s getting comfortable in the water and I don’t have to be the one in the pool with him now, which is exactly what I wanted out of swimming lessons.

In other news that is exciting to probably no one except me, last week we bid a not-so-fond farewell to our rotting old backyard deck and replaced it with a concrete patio. When we met with our contractor I was like, “Look, all I want is something I don’t have to maintain and something that is not ugly.” Pressure-washing a patio once a year I can handle, but I do not ever want to stain a deck again, and I most definitely do not want to try to grill dinner in our backyard only to spend the entire time hollering, “No, no! Don’t step there! Careful!” I can’t wait to spend the rest of the summer in our backyard, doing what we do (kids in the pool or sprinkler or sandbox, me reading on a lounge chair), and not worrying about some child -- either one of mine or one of the neighbors’ -- stepping through a hole in the deck. The guys did a beautiful job that exceeds all my expectations, and they were very sweet not to ever roll their eyes at me when they’d say, “We could do this, or this, or this...?” and I’d smile brightly and say, “Sure!” Finally I was all, “You guys just...do what you do.” So they did, and I love it. Bring on the rest of the summer.