Love, Just Love

"Love is the story and the prayer that matters the most." -- Brian Doyle

***

There is no way to write about the end of a Pandemic Year right now, not tonight, not at the end of the first week of June with ten days left to go, not with a classroom to finish packing for a move into a new building, not with final essays to grade, not with this much love and grief and hope to sit with for awhile. Not with this much exhaustion.

But I wanted to write something, because my heart is so full.

For the first time in what feels like a very long time, we could host a gathering in our home for fully-vaccinated family to celebrate my firstborn's fifteenth birthday. Matt and I could hug our parents again. Our kids could hug their grandparents.

I visited one of my very favorite people inside her home and could hug her again. I had no idea that when I hired a doula for Isaac's birth that her assistant would become one of the most important friendships of my life, and eleven years later, I'm leveled with gratitude for this relationship. 

I get to hang out with one of my best friends again. I might turn her into a hugger yet.

Pandemic Teaching in all forms is absurd, but my students continue to remind me why I'm still in, and it's absolutely worth it. Hybrid teaching is terrible in every way except that I get to see some kids, and I get to talk to my favorite co-workers in the morning before class, in person, and I have missed them. So. Much.

We went to church in person for the first time since March of 2020, and I was not prepared to feel everything I felt today.

Matt and I have the most incredible kids. I don't know how to make this sound like not-bragging, but I'm not trying to do that. I'm not here to brag about their accomplishments (of which I am proud in a proper motherly way); I'm more interested in their humanity. My son is hands down the funniest person I know. He brings me so much crazy joy every single day. And my daughter is so, so much braver than I ever was at her age. Hell, she's braver at fifteen than I am now. Both of them are smart, kind, curious, compassionate people and that's really what I care about.

And wow, I've thought so many times in recent weeks that I really mess up a lot, as a Mom. I'm not as patient as I want to be. I react in ways I'm not always proud of. I have big feelings and I yell too much. But there are some things that Matt and I have always wanted to get right, and lately I've been thinking we might have. I've never been afraid of anything our kids might have to tell us; I've only ever been determined that they should never be afraid of how we would respond. I've only ever wanted them to know that we affirm and celebrate and love them unconditionally.

My children's happiness and well-being is my first priority -- as it should be for any parent -- and these days, I'm so thankful for my community, my church, my colleagues, and my friends, for seeing my kids, seeing them and affirming them and celebrating them too. It takes a village. It does. I've written many times that I'm so thankful for mine, and never believe I take it for granted, because I know how it could have been otherwise.

I wouldn't change a single thing about my kids. They have always been exactly themselves, fearfully and wonderfully made.

Happy Pride. Happy June.