Last weekend, Matt and I were invited to our doula's wonderful Birth Preparation Workshop to be guest speakers. (I promised Matt that he wouldn't have to actually speak, but I may have lied a little bit.) I have to admit, finding myself in a room full of pregnant women made me feel a little wistful, because for the most part, I really loved being pregnant (no matter what I said during the last two weeks, okay?) and because soon, these lovely ladies will all be meeting their babies, and OH NEWBORN LOVE! See, technically I guess Isaac is a newborn for another week or so, but he just seems so big to me now. And I love it. I love watching him grow, I love how he's rounding out -- all belly and cheeks, YUM! -- and turning into such a solid little guy. I love how alert he is. I love all the little glimpses into his personality -- little gifts of insight each day.
It's just that it goes so fast. Every parent says this, and it's one of those things you hear so often it loses its meaning -- until it's your babies outgrowing all their newborn clothes and rolling over and learning to walk and starting kindergarten. Watching my children grow is the single greatest joy of my life, but still, sometimes I wish I could hold each moment just a little longer.
As we left the workshop, I may have turned to Matt and said, "So, let's have like SIX MORE BABIES, okay? I want more new ones!" (Ladies, just a heads-up: this type of declaration is probably a really great form of birth control after you have a baby. It's just not sexy talk, is what I'm saying.) Matt stared at me and said, "Man. You have a newborn addiction."
People say that when you're done having babies, you just KNOW because it feels THAT FINAL. I remain unconvinced. I'm pretty sure I'll always feel a little wistful when I see pregnant women or hold a newborn -- and that doesn't mean I actually want to have eight babies, despite the fact that Matt and I broke off eight rings of our kransekake at our wedding reception. And honestly, I am more than happy to focus on the two children we have, because they're more than enough and more than I could hope for. I just really like babies, and I often do miss being pregnant. (Although I have to admit that this time I did feel quite ready to be done.) But in the spirit of not wasting too much energy mourning the past when I have so much to be grateful for today, here are some things that are particularly awesome about the right now of my life:
-- Getting into bed and getting comfortable is so easy. I'm not remotely picky about what position I fall asleep in (when Isaac isn't nestled against me, anyway) and Matt doesn't have to listen to me grunting as I heave my huge belly into bed and struggle to create the right arrangement of the twelve pillows that make sleeping even slightly comfortable.
-- There is no tiny human pressing against my bladder. Which means I sleep as long as Isaac will let me, as opposed to having to heave myself out of bed and waddle into the bathroom every ninety minutes, all night long. (Five hours in a row the other night! Can I tell you how easy it is to be completely in love with your kid after five whole hours of sleep?)
-- I haven't had to take a Zofran since early December. I wake up feeling like I could sleep for ten more hours, sure, BUT! I don't spend the first ten minutes of my day hunched over a toilet bowl, and that feels fantastic.
-- I can breathe again! I don't miss pregnancy sinuses. I don't have to spray forty blasts of saline solution into my nose three times a night just to sleep.
-- I can put on my socks all by myself! Because I can totally reach my feet!
-- I was going to write something about how great it is that I don't have to wear maternity clothes anymore, but it's not like I have my pre-pregnancy body back, so I'm going to have to pass on that. Plus, there is a distinct advantage to maternity jeans. When everyone else was unbuttoning their pants at Thanksgiving and saying they'd just like a tiny piece of pie, I was all, I'LL HAVE BOTH KINDS, PLEASE, with whipped cream. So get back to me when I fit into my real clothes again, and until then, nevermind.
-- I miss feeling my baby kick, which is absolutely my favorite part of pregnancy, but I also really love kissing his feet outside my body.
-- I love seeing Isaac's expressive little face, especially after he finishes nursing. He's beginning to smile (love those milk-drunk grins!), and the rest of the time, if he's not just sacked out peacefully, he makes the goofiest little faces. (Many of them remind me of Suzannah's newborn expressions, and while Suzannah and Isaac are obviously very different children, I also love noticing the things that connect them in such subtle, intimate ways.)
-- Witnessing the developing relationship between Suzannah and Isaac is a blessing and a privilege. This deserves its own entry -- probably lots of entries -- but for now, I'll just say that each day I'm struck by how lucky I feel that Matt and I were chosen to be parents to these particular children. It may seem rather obvious, but I'm still kind of amazed by how perfectly Isaac fits into our family, how he's exactly the right sibling for Suzannah. I can't articulate why; I just know that he is.
-- Little onesies and little jammies and little socks. ALL FILLED WITH BABY.
-- That newborn smell. You know what I'm talking about. That newborn smell pretty much destroys all sense of reason.
In other news, tomorrow begins my third week of staying home with my babies. We're hanging in there. Last week I actually ventured out with them almost every day, and it was much less scary than I thought it would be. It's also very, very good for this mama's sanity, which is probably why this Sunday seems a little less daunting.
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